my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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