yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
