you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
