I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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