WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
