My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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