He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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