You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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