Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
