everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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