Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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