She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
