I seem to have left my pride at pride
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
