I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
