I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Say something about gay babies.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
