dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
