you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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