Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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