remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
