no, he came in my armpit
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She bit a glass in half.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize