My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
