the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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