Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
