dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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