and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
