Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
