I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
