when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
