worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
