Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
