No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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