A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
