no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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