Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
