My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Girls should come with a carfax report
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
