Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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