through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
