My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You took a bar mat shot.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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