I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Come see our sink grown plant.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
