member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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