Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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