I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
