i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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