Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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