I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
