I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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