i permit you to call me
Just fell off a train. Bad.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
