Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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