Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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