I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i dont even know how to be here
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
