mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
