When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think i have two assholes
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm bleeding and have questions
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
