i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
