If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
